I was reading recently and stumbled across a article that was talking about some of the movie studios in Hollywood were throwing around the idea of remaking the Wizard of Oz. I almost choked on the coffee I was drinking! Are they completely nuts?? How dare them to even consider fooling around with a classic like the Wizard of Oz! Most remakes usually stink and they never live up to the originals. I remember as a kid growing up in the days before VCR's and DVD's where we had to WAIT for the yearly showing of the Wizard of Oz. They would start advertising it a few weeks before the air date and boy would we be exciting as we counted down the days. Ahh, the things you remember when you were a kid. That's why I almost choked when I read that they were really thinking of tinkering with a masterpiece. I was pretty steamed for a minute but then I thought now wait a minute, could Hollywood even remake that movie now in 2011? I don't think that they could.
Why not? Here's just a few reasons why.
-First off, Hollywood 2011 would have to explain why Dorothy is living with her Aunt and Uncle. Did her father have a illicit affair with another women and maybe even bore a child with her while trying to keep the affair a secret until one day the lover tells Dorothy's mother about the affair and the child she had with her husband, causing her mother to spiral down into a world of drugs and alcohol as she tried to cope with the betrayal of her husband. The father leaves one day with his mistress and the state finally has to remove Dorothy from her alcoholic and drug addicted mother and then place her into the care of her aunt and uncle. To much juicy story to just leave out.
-Next thing, everyone knows there are no family farms left in Kansas. They were all bought up or run out of business long ago by the mega government sponsored farming operations. The ones that the US government subsidizes and pays them to NOT plant crops and work the thousands of acres they have. There wouldn't be a pig pen for Dorothy to fall into because all the pigs are now raised at the giant swine plants where right after their birth they are placed on a steroid based diet to get them to slaughter weigh in about six weeks.
-So say just for the sake of the movie they do have a small family farm that Dorothy lives on. They wouldn't be able to have Hunk, Hickory or Zeke working there. No self respecting American would stoop that low to perform such menial labor now a days. More then likely it would be three illegal Mexican immigrants. Probably named Pedro, Jose and Juan.
-Then there's the nonsense about the elderly Almira Gulch rushing to Dorothy's house on a bike. Really? Today Almira would drive something there or ride on her Dan Wesson if you qualify for Medicare then I guarantee I can get you approved for a motor scooter from the scooter store electric chair.
-Almira takes Toto. Dorothy runs away. She comes across a out of work fortune teller. He invites her into his wagon read her fortune. HELLO!! She must have never heard the don't talk to strangers sermon. Anyway, as Dorothy's trying to make her way home a tornado springs up. She's fighting the wind, trying to get back home. 2011 and she could have just hopped a ride with one of the many storm chasers whooping and hollering as they followed the funnel, trying to get as close as possible. And what about Jim Cantore from The Weather Channel? Surely he and at least a few more reporters would be on the scene and be able to help Dorothy out.
-Then she wakes up in Oz. She goes outside and sees all these little people and they call themselves munchkins. Sorry, that's not going to work. It might be upsetting to midgets, dwarfs and just short people in general. They would have to be called something like the vertical challenged kins. Or the Not Really that Tallkins.
-Next we discovered Dorothy's house landed on the bad witches cousin, the wicked witch of the east. She's wearing expensive shoes . Red ruby slippers. Today? It would have to be a pair of Louis Vuitton red pumps with maybe a matching handbag. Definitely makes the value of the ruby slippers look pale in comparison.
-Dorothy heads out for Oz. First she meets the scarecrow. That's plausible enough. But the tin man? No way. Standing beside the yellow brick road "frozen". He would have been in the recycle bin a longtime ago. Or picked up by a couple of old guys and taken to the salvage yard and turned in along with some stripped copper wire and aluminum cans for a quick buck. The cowardly lion? He would be praised and loved for being in touch with his sensitive side and his refusal to use intimidating tactics and his passive aggressive tendencies.
-Then they all get to Oz and knock on the massive door so that they can go inside. Dude opens door, looks them over and tells them to leave. Wrong! 2011 Dorothy and gang marches down to the courthouse and files a discrimination lawsuit against the gatekeeper for gender, animal, metal and straw discrimination. Gatekeeper would be sued and then fired after being publicly humiliated.
-Oz tells the gang to go kill the witch and bring back her broomstick. On the way there the witch sends the winged monkeys to get them in the enchanted forest and bring Dorothy back and destroy the others. Now, in 2011 we all know we descended from monkeys so chances are they won't hurt their own. Plus, Peta might threaten a boycott if they think the producers are trying to portray the monkeys in a bad light.
-Dorothy ends up at the castle and her friends arrive and try to find her. They sneak in with the guards and soldiers and precede to look around for their friend. But wait, 2011 Dorothy still has her Verizon smartphone on her so she secretly sends her location to her friends phone in the form of a text message AND a pix of the room just in case, saving her friends from having to search room by room and risk getting caught.
-As is in the original movie, Dorothy and gang get chased through the castle and when finally cornered, Dorothy throws the bucket of water on the witch as shes trying to put the fire out on her friend the scarecrow. Like the original movie, this results in the witch melting but in the remake they add the dialogue of Dorothy explaining to everyone that it wasn't the water that melted the wicked witch but it was the contaminates in the water that got there by mans assault on our natural resources and his blatant disregard for the environment.
-In the old version Dorothy is sad and disappointed when she misses the hot air balloon ride back home to Kansas but cheers up when Glinda explains that all she had to do to get home was at anytime tap her heels together three times while saying "there's no place like home". In the new version Dorothy goes postal when told this and has to be restrained by a large number of Ozians who grab her ankles and click her heels for her while they chant "there's no place like home".
And these are just a few reasons why I don't think they will ever do a Wizard of Oz remake.
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