1000 days

Today is my 1000th day of being tobacco free. Why do I say it like that? Cause for 28 years I used some form of tobacco. When we were kids we would do snuff or chew. Rub Hawkins, chew Redman. As I got older it was cigarettes. By 16 I was completely hooked. I smoked every brand out there at one time or another. I was a menthol guy and Newport's were the love of my life at one point. Nothing was quite as satisfying as a Newport. Fast forward about eleven years to 1994. My son Lorenzo was born and I knew I had to quit smoking cause I certainly didn't want to be lighting up around him so I decided to stop smoking and I would do it by using snuff to get me through the withdrawals of the cigs and slowly wean myself off of nicotine. Wrong! As I started solely dipping, I thought to myself, this is pretty easy. No withdrawals, no cravings, things were just like normal. I did miss a good pull of a newport though but no biggy. I wasn't smoking so I was kicking the habit right? No, sadly to say. I soon was more addicted to the dip then I was to the cigarettes. I had started off using a brand called Kodiak which was marketed as "Wintergreen" and really had a good taste ( I know what your thinking but it really did!!) but after a few years of using that my gums started burning so I switched to a different brand called Copenhagen. That was like the heroin of tobacco. It had more nicotine in it then any other dip did and one "plug" had 4 times as much nicotine as a cigarette. And, it was just plain tobacco. No burn, no sting, no nothing. Now all this was happening over the course of many years. Soon, the only time I didn't have a dip in was when I was eating or sleeping. I could drink with it in. I could swallow the juice IF I had to although I didn't like to. Family and friends urged me to quit but I was just too hooked to quit AND I enjoyed it. Dip was my friend. It was always there to "help" me get through what ever was happening. I couldn't imagine not doing it. It was a part of me. It was who I was. All my pants had a ring pressed into the fabric from that little tin can that was always in my front right pocket. But something started changing inside of me in 2008. Copenhagen was now about 5.00 a can. I was doing a can a day. I was constantly stopping at the store to buy it. I went to work making sure I had enough to get me through the work day AND would stop to get a can if I wasn't sure. I came to realize that I really couldn't quit anytime I wanted to like I had told myself since I was 16. I had become a slave to this little can and I would do ANYTHING to have. It was my master and it had complete control of me. I had been seeing some adds in the local paper for some organization called Tobacco Free Florida. They offered free help to help people quit smoking (or chewing). I toyed with the idea for awhile. Is it possible for me to quit? Could I do it? How could I ever say goodbye to my longtime friend? Just thinking about it would cause me to start shaking. BUT, could I do it? I decided to call and I did. I spoke with a very nice lady named Meridith. She explained the program to me. I decided on a quit date. They would send me nicotine gum or the patch to help me kick the habit totally free of charge. All I had to do was stay in contact with them with a once a week phone call and they would mail me two weeks worth of gum or patches. Now, she said, lets pick your stop date. I was speechless for a few seconds. Was I really going to do this? Did I want to do this? I didn't know but I thought what the @#&!, its all free and I can at least try. So, we set a date. I chose to quit on my first of two days off from work. June 2nd, 2008. It was three weeks away so I had a little time to "prepare" myself to quit. I went online and found a quit chew support website that I joined. It had a calculator on it that kept track of how much money you were saving as your quit days built up and one for keeping track of how many days you had quit. In a little while I received my first box of patches. I found out they had three different strengths. I had just received the strongest ones. 21 milligrams of nicotine on each patch. Id wear these for four weeks, then drop down to a 14 milligram, then end on a 7 milligram. Soon, the big day was upon me. Before I went to bed the night before I packed a fat one in and I thought, well, this is it. I'm turning my back on my best friend. I was having one last get together with my buddy. Soon I spit him out, threw my half empty can in the trash and went to bed. The next morning I logged on my quit chew website and logged on. The site encouraged us all to log in each day, state what day you were on and write some kind of positive message for the others. I did all that, then went and put my first patch on. By the end of that first day I was dying. I thought I must have got a defective batch of patches. I swore there was no way they could have nicotine on or in them. If they did I certainly wasn't getting any. I hurt. My head throbbed. I felt sick. I went to bed early just so I could get some relief from the pain. Anyone that has never been addicted to nicotine just doesn't understand how powerful a addiction it is. Day two was worse. I literally felt like I was dying. Meridith had promised to call me on my second day of quitting which she did. She made the mistake of asking me how I was doing. That's when I unloaded on her. I proceeded to tongue lash her, her program, the defective patches and myself for ever attempting something this stupid. She listened to me and said Ren, ya got to get through this and you can. I said I couldn't. She repeated that I could. Stay with it, it will get better. I said I would try and we hung up. As the day went on I got worse. I remember I laid down on the sofa and I was deep in the throes of withdrawal. I was burning up with fever, my eyes were on fire, I had chills, I was as sick as I had ever been. Then, my kids walked in the door. They had just got home from school and when they saw me they knew I was hurting. I'll never forget as long as I live both Emily and Lorenzo coming over there and rubbing on me and telling me they knew I could do this and I could beat this. They hugged me, told me they loved me. I think I cried. And that's when I got mad. Mad at myself for allowing something to have such a powerful grip on me. Mad that all these years I thought of dip and cigarettes as my friends. Mad that I had spent thousands of dollars doing this to myself. I had had my doubts about doing this but now I was determined I would beat this. Tobacco wasn't my friend. It was my enemy and I was fighting back. Well, by the grace of God I did get through it. The worse was over after about a week but for the longest time the cravings would sneak in and I would think man, just one. But no way. After what I went through to quit? No way would I EVER take another drag or put in another pinch. Looking back, thank you Emily and Lorenzo. Without your encouragement I don't think I would have been able to do it. Oh yeah, and by the way, I'm not really counting the days still. My calculator on my quit chew website is. And that money amount? At a very conservative 4.50 a can and a can a day that adds up to 4,495.50 since I quit. I can't wait till my 2000th day!

Friday Nite Video (Alison Krauss and Union Station)

Well folks, February is almost over. Three days left after today. This months videos have been about love. We had a pop star, a smoking hot diva and a old style crooner. I thought it would be fun to end this month with a different style of music. A good old fashioned country/bluegrass tune. Who would be a good artist to feature? How about that lady with the angelic voice Alison Krauss and her band Union Station. I've been a big fan of hers and the Union Station boys for quite some time now. Alison has a almost haunting voice and she can hang with any of them. She started taking classical violin lessons at the tender age of five and later discovered she preferred the fiddle and the bluegrass sound (sheew) and changed her style. As she grew she won contests and awards for her fiddling and singing. In 1987, she released her debut album at the age of 16 with the Union Station boys as her backup titled To Late To Cry. It was a immediate hit and today at this point she has released 11 albums and won 26 Grammy awards. She has also done songs for numerous movie soundtracks including one of my favorite movies O Brother, Where Art Thou. One of my favorite Alison Krauss songs is the remake she did of the late Keith Whitley's song When You Say Nothing At All. That song was a classic in it's self and not soon after that song was released Keith passed away and no one could have remade it and done it any justice but Alison did and she nailed it. As good as Keith's was, hers was the female version and she honored him with her remake. I was close to showing that video for tonight but I thought lets twang it up a bit and end this month with something upbeat and lively. Hence, tonight's video Baby, Now That I've Found You. This song was originally wrote all the way back in 1967 by a group called The Foundations and has been performed by several artists since then. Alison and Union Station featured it on their 1995 album Now That I've Found You, A Collection. It's one of my favorite songs from them and even though its a remake, they put their own original sound on it. So, without any further delay, from 1995, its Baby, Now That I've Found You from Alison Krauss and Union Station. Enjoy!

Friday Nite Video (Harry Connick, Jr)

Hey Folks. I thought tonight we could go big band style with that big band jazz guy Harry Connick, Jr. I be liking me some Harry. I enjoy that old timey orchestra and jazz music. And, since it's love month here at Just my Thoughts, Harry fits right in very nicely. This song I picked for tonight is from his 1997 album To See You. There's not to much to say about old Harry. He's been performing since the 80's and he's as big today as he was then. So instead of all the boring details lets just enjoy tonight's video. It's got that old style sound to it and it's just a great song. From 1997 it Lets Just Kiss. Enjoy.

Friday Nite Video (Belinda Carlisle)

Continuing with this months love theme, this artist fits right in. Belinda Carlisle. Belinda has had some great songs, plus I love her. Has there EVER been a more gorgeous women singer in the history of music? I think not. And what a voice! Belinda got her start with the all girl group The Go-Go's all the way back when they formed in 1978. In the beginning the group played in clubs and had more of a punk sound then anything else. But, all that changed in 1981 with the release of their debut album Beauty and the Beat. That album gave us the hits Our Lips are Sealed and We got the Beat. Then came their second album Vacation. This album just didn't have the sales like their first one did and in 1984 they released their third album Talk Show which pretty much bombed. In 1985 the band decided to break up. That's when Belinda launched here solo career. Her first one was in 1986 and it was simply titled Belinda. It contained the hit Mad About You, which featured a video where Belinda sported a short, blond sexy hairstyle. For her second album she changed that look to a reddish long haired look. That album was Heaven on Earth and it contained the hit by the same name AND also my favorite Belinda song I Get Weak. All in all Belinda has released seven solo albums. Belinda and the Go-Go's recently got back together and did a reunion tour and she also released a autobiography last year titled Lips Unsealed. My video I'm showing is I Get Weak and that's exactly what I get when I hear and see her sing. She is one hot looking momma! Belinda, PLEASE be my valentines lol. From 1988, it's I Get Weak. Enjoy!

Love, me

A Valentines love story, with a twist

Dear Angela,

I'll see you later on when I get home from work. I'm going to stop by the store on the way home and get some fresh salmon. The corner seafood market has it on sale this week and I know how you love it. I'll cook that and we can have a salad with it. I love you so much and will be thinking of you all day while I'm working and can't wait to see you when I home. Maybe after dinner we can watch a old movie on one of those cable movie channels if they have a good one on. I'll see you shortly.

Love, me

Dan quietly wrote his note to leave for Angela, as he did each morning. He loved his wife and hated being away from her, even for the time he was at work. The good thing about it was he had to be in early so he usually got off early as well. He was a employee of the city of Dayton, Ohio. Had been with them for sixteen years, started with them right after he and Angela had tied the knot. They had moved to Dayton from Cleveland right after they had eloped and gotten married. They were young. Angela's parents did not like Dan and the same could be said for Dan's parents liking Angela. They were both warned they would be cut off if they married and each set of parents would disown them. But they were in love. They saved some money, eloped on a friday afternoon and that very weekend they moved to Dayton to begin their life together. Their parents kept their word. Neither set had any contact with them. In the beginning that had really hurt Dan and Angela but as time went by they began to adjust. They didn't need them, they had each other. They had rented a small apartment for their first ten years. They saved every dime they could during that time and six years ago they purchased their first home. A modest three bedroom, two bath home on the outskirts of town. That was also when they decided they had waited long enough and it was now time to start a family. They tried and tried but nothing happened. Getting concerned, they both made doctor appointments to get checked out. They both had exams and received a clean bill of health. The miracle had just not happened yet but they refused to give up. "When the time is right, it will happen", Dan would tell his bride. And now with sixteen years being with the city Dan didn't have to work nights anymore. He was on the 6:30 to 4:00 shift so he was home every night with Angela. He didn't have to worry about her safety like he did when he was working the night shift. When they first got married Angela thought she was going to continue to take classes to become a teacher, which was what she had wanted to be her whole life. But Dan refused to allow her. He was the man, it was his job to work and provide. End of story. This had produced terrible arguments and fights but Dan refused to back down. His mother never worked and he would not allow his wife to work. Once, in the heat of one of their arguments Dan drew back to hit her but stopped before he did. Angela suddenly became very scared and ran into the bedroom and Dan chased after her. He was in a rage, out of control and Angela, for the first time, feared for her safety. She slammed the door shut behind her and locked it. Dan beat on the door with all his might, cursing and screaming for her to open the door. Angela was about to call 911 for help when Dan stopped and she could hear him crying through the closed door. Soon, he was apologizing to Angela, begging for her forgiveness. He had lost control, he was sorry and it would never happen again. After a few minutes, Angela did open the door and there was Dan. Crying, reaching out to her and telling her how sorry he was. That was sixteen years ago. Angela never brought up the subject again. The arguments and fights just weren't worth it. After all, Dan was a hard worker and he provided for all their needs. And Dan loved her with all his heart.

That night Dan did bring home salmon and he even insisted on cooking it and tossing together the salad. After dinner he even cleaned up. He didn't mind. When all that was done and over with they settled onto the couch together and channel surfed for awhile, looking for something to watch. There wasn't any old movies on that interested them. Soon Dan was playfully tickling on Angela and she was laughing and then Dan would laugh. This went on for awhile and they started kissing and making out and soon Dan was picking her up off of the sofa and carried her into the bedroom and laided her on the bed. Still kissing and getting more worked up by the minute they started pulling each other clothes off and soon they were trying again to conceive a child. When they were finished Dan stayed there, rubbing Angela's hair and stroking her face. "I love you so much darling", declared Dan. "I love you too" responded his wife. Soon they fell asleep, embraced and holding on to each other.

Dan awoke to the sound of his alarm clock blaring. Briefly startled, he reached over and hit the darn thing to turn it off. 4:00 am had come quickly. He looked over at Angela. Thankfully, it hadn't woke her and she was still asleep. He quietly got out of bed and slipped out to the kitchen to put on the coffee. Once he had it brewing he went and did his daily ritual of shaving and showering as he prepared for work. When he was finished he went out and poured his first cup of coffee. It always provided him with that morning jolt which he needed so badly. As the coffee started doing it's thing he collected his letter from yesterday and put in in the folder that was tucked in between where the kitchen cookbooks were. He had saved every letter he had wrote to Angela since he had started writing them each morning. The letters numbered in the hundreds, maybe a thousand. He had wrote and left her one each workday morning for the last six years starting right after they had bought their house. His signature was always the same, Love, me. He had started that when he started leaving her the letters and it had just stuck. He got out a clean piece of paper and started on that days.

Dear Angela,

Last night was beautiful. I can't believe we fell asleep like that. If its possible I think I love you more with each passing day. Today is Friday and I'm so glad we have the weekend to look forward to. We can discuss what we want to do and maybe make some plans when I get home today from work. Please know that I will be thinking of you today and I can't wait to get home to see you. Again, thanks for last night. I love you.

Love, me

Quickly now Dan got dressed and finished his coffee. He slipped back into the bathroom to brush his teeth. After that he slipped back in the kitchen and threw together his lunch. He poured the rest of his coffee into his big mug he carried with him to work and got all his things together to leave. Before leaving, he quietly slipped back into his bedroom to finish his last thing he also always did before leaving his lovely bride. Walking over to the side of the bed, Dan leaned down to kiss Angela on the forehead. on what used to be skin, now just a dried out leathery covering over bone and a skull. The forehead of a corpse. A corpse that had been dead for a very long time. One eye staring straight ahead, the other one staring straight up as if looking at something only she could see. Her mouth open like it was releasing a scream that had escaped a long time ago. As Dan stood back up he whispered, as not to wake her, "I love you, see you soon".

Friday Nite Video (George Michael)

February and Friday Nite Videos. As promised, this month I'm going feature videos talking and singing about love. Isn't love what February's all about. Ya got Valentines day there in the middle. My birthdays right before that and I'm a pretty lovable guy (I hope you all think that). Your reading this and I love writing it. I love the fact that Springs right around the corner. So as you can see there's a whole lot of loving in the month of February. This first week I wanted to do a video by that kinda freakish dude known as George Michael. How many different characters has this guy been since he first appeared with Andrew Ridgeley in the group Wham? Remember them? They first appeared in the early eighties and were pop sensations. Their image was squeaky, clean cut fellows out having a good time and enjoyed a lot of success. Remember the CHOOSE LIFE shirts George would wear? I do and I had one! I remember wearing it out on the town and knowing I was the man! Wham put out a long string of hits but in 1984 when they released the album Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go there was a solo single performed only by George titled Careless Whisper and that single quickly hit number 1 on the billboard charts and Wham became a endangered species. Then, in 1986, the band officially broke up and George said see ya to Andrew and started his solo career. A year late Michael released his album Faith and over night he became a superstar. It was the white mans Thriller. Several songs on it hit number 1 and the ones that didn't were at least on the billboard charts. George was adored by the ladies and projected that bad boy image. Then the rumors started flying that he was in fact gay. He denied it. Then said it might be true, then would deny it, then say again he was. He still performs today and has yet to match the success of the album Faith and every now and then you hear about him getting into some trouble. One thing you can be sure of, the man can sing. My favorite song from the album Faith was Father Figure. It's the one I wanted to show for tonight, the first of our four old school love songs. I think the model George is in love with in this video is stunning and this video is 24 years old. Also in the scenes with they are kissing it's passionate enough where you can almost FEEL the kiss yourself. Watch and see for yourself. From 1987 its Father Figure by George Michael. Enjoy!

Clubs

I'm not a club kinda guy. No, I don't mean night clubs or even dance clubs. I'm talking about civic organization clubs. Never belonged to one, probably never will. Whats the first kind of civic clubs a kid is introduced too? That would be the Cub Scouts. I remember way back when I was in elementary school some of my town friends were in the Cub Scouts. The Cub Scouts were the introduction to the Boy Scouts. And as we got older those same friends graduated up to Boy Scouts. They would wear their fresh pressed blue uniforms with their yellow kerchiefs around their necks. Their shirts sported sewn on badges of various levels completed. Master knot maker, bow and arrow sharpsman, the wilderness survival badge. The more badges, the more knowledgeable the scout. I remember going to a couple soap box derby car races and thought that was about the coolest thing ever. I so wanted to be a scout. I asked my parents, "Mom, Dad, can I join the Boy Scouts?" Parents, "no." Me, "why?" Them, "because." My interrogation would continue. Soon, I was told to hush up about it and don't ask again! I, not a fond fan of pain, obliged. A couple of times later when we were all happy somewhere or out doing something I would GENTLY bring it up again. "Your not going to join the Boy Scouts because we're not sure what they teach or what they believe in. Plus, we live to far away from town and we don't have the time to be running to town every other day to take you to more then likely something that would try to indoctrinate you with things that go against our beliefs." So I never became a Boy Scout. Fast forward to high school. In a effect to gets us primed up to the notion of belonging to a civic organization suddenly we are bombarded with clubs to sign up for. There was Future Farmers of America, Future Nurses of America, Future Business Leaders of America and the Future Homemakers of America (for the less motivated students), and the one we didn't have but probably should have had, the Future Career Criminals of America. Add to that the Science Club, the Spanish Club, the Varsity Club, the Spirit Club, the Drama Club and the Debate Club. If none of those interested you, you could also choose from band, choir or a sport of some sort. If you liked sports but didn't want to participate there was also cheer leading. Every possible option and interest was covered, except for the career criminal one but they wouldn't have attended anyway, they were to busy committing crimes. I personally, choose band and football. I stayed away from those clubs that might have had a hidden agenda of some sort. I mean, if the Boy Scouts are teaching and preaching something dangerous then who's to say these other groups aren't. I steered clear thank you. Then, when you graduate your hit with even more choices of civic organizations to join. There's the Rotary Club, the Kiwanis Club, those famous animal clubs including the Moose Lodge, the Elks Club, the Lions Club,which, by the way, had a spin off when the wives of the Lions got sick of their men having all the fun and started their own club called the Lioness Club, the Odd Fellows Charity Lodge, the Masonic Lodge, the Rebekah Lodge, it's cousin the Morning Star Lodge, the Shriner's, the VFW, the Daughters of the American Revolution and my town I'm from had a Grange Hall so I guess the members of that club called themselves the Grangers? I guess I'm programmed to become suspicious when these organizations announce Secret Members Only Meeting this Tuesday evening at 7. Doors will close promptly so don't be late. My first question is why is it all behind closed doors? Why do members greet each other with a strange handshake while making a nasally, bleating noise like a sheep or goat? And what REALLY takes pace behind those doors once they close? Drunken orgies where fruit is eaten and vast amounts of alcohol are consumed while men in their late sixties and early seventies attack and violate the women in attendance? The women not fighting it but actually ENCOURAGING it? Or do they turn all the lights off and light candles and don black robes and chant while Earl brings in the adult chickens and they all take turns piercing their fowl bodies until they lay dead and all of their blood in drained out of their lifeless poultry bodies. Then when the blood has stopped flowing they turn the lights back on and have refreshments before the meeting for that week is adjourned. And what if the people over at the Rotary Club were really planning a global world takeover and they are just buying time until their main leader gives the word and they leap into action and start with the overturn of the US government? These are the main reasons I don't belong to any civic organizations.