DOT physical Do's and Don't

          Disney has recently changed facilities where we as licensed drivers have to go to have our annual federal physicals done. We have transitioned from a outside company that Disney used for many years to the "in house" medical center where the doctors and nurses work for Disney. The former place they used tended to be a little more relaxed and overlooking of some things. Disney decided their Docs could do a better job then the ones not employed by them. This change has resulted in much stricter exams and every possible ailment we might have or could have in the near future being scrutinized very carefully. I put together a list of things that I think might help all of us get through this new process. The first thing we will look at is things NOT to do.                        

DO NOT have a accident and hit a car while parking in the parking lot upon arrival of your exam. 
             
If you have a handicap parking pass DO NOT use it. It could be a trap.

While waiting in the lobby DO NOT fall asleep while you wait.

If you want to enjoy one of the complimentary magazines while waiting to try to stay awake make sure the print is large enough to easily read without having to hold it close to see it. Could indicate poor vision to the staff.

If your running behind and you haven't had lunch you know if you suffer from high blood sugar this can cause your sugar to spike. If you decide to go through a drive through and take it in with you to eat while you wait to be called back avoid the mega meals all the fast food chains offer. Examples would be the McDonalds double quarter pounder with cheese, super sized. Or the Burger King triple whopper. At Wendys DO NOT order the triple cheese with bacon. Could indicate a cholesterol problem.

DO NOT decide to "pop a few drinks back" on the way there to help with nervousness or anxiety about having to do the exam.

DO NOT get frustrated by the poor cell phone reception in the building when your text messages do not go through and then shout THE RECEPTION ON THE BUS IS SOOOO MUCH BETTER!

When your name is called to come back be careful when getting out of your chair and DO NOT trip and fall flat on your face. Could indicate disorientation. If you do trip and fall, as you get up DO NOT start cursing your bad leg/knee/hip/foot etc, etc.

Finally your back to see the doctor. When he/she comes in and introduces themselves return their hospitality but only introduce yourself. DO NOT introduce any other people that might live in your head or the names of any split personalities. Could indicate insanity or another serious mental condition.

DO NOT decide you don't want to be there and announce in the middle of the exam that you have to ROS due to the fact that your getting one of your splitting migraines and you have approximately fifteen minutes to get home before you pass out.

   If you follow these few tips you should be okay. I also listed a few tips to help ace the exam as well.

Purposely arrive for your appointment ten minutes early. Check in and let the receptionist tell you to have a seat and the doctor will be right with you. Ask if its okay if you do your full catastatic workout while you wait because you weren't able to that morning. Receptionist will tell you sure, no problem.
Proceed to do 100 jumping jacks, 50 pushups and finish up with 10 minutes of jogging in place. Will indicate you exercise and are pretty healthy.

While in the exam room with the doctor have a friend call you pretending to be your primary physician. Tell the examiner that your sorry but this is a very important call and you must take it. Make sure speaker is on and have your friend tell you that they just got all your test results from your full physical back and if you don't at least get a cold every now and then then you just might live forever.

If you suffer from obesity, stop at wardrobe the day before and get a costume that's at least two sizes to big. This will create a slimming illusion.

If your elderly, dye your hair the night before. No gray will give a more youthful appearance.

Worried about a urine test? Before going in duct tape one of those mini bottles of water up into the bottom check parts of the buttocks. Use this when you go in the bathroom to fill the urine sample container to the right level. Drink the rest. Then crush bottle and put back. With it empty it will be more comfortable. ( Side note on this tip. Make sure its spring water and not distilled. Distilled is made with a electrical process and unnatural atoms and ions will show up in a urine test and suggest that you are not human or a robot of some kind ).

Worried about high blood pressure? Try this little trick. On the night before your exam try severing a artery. Just be aware of a large lost of blood and its best to do this in the bathtub or outdoors where cleanup wont be a problem. The femoral artery in the leg works best since you will have to apply a tourniquet right before passing out to stop the bleeding and one on the leg works best as it can be covered with a pair of loose fitting pants. Added bonus if your using the two size larger costume for obesity trick. This will greatly reduce blood pressure.

One more trick that is only for our male drivers. About a week before your exam go online a request one of the free Cialis trial packs. On the night before the exam take the Cialis. Ignore the directions that state take one per day. Take all six. When you go to your exam the next day you can walk in with male confidence that your healthy and ready for anything. A added bonus to this tip is a severe drop in blood pressure if you are fearful of the artery tip or you are a female and obviously would not benefit from the Cialis tip.

     With these helpful list of Do's and Do not's we all should pass our new, stricter DOT physical exams. Good luck and here's to many years of happy driving at the Walt Disney Resort!