For my sister Joy, who wanted a story about funerals ??
As Margaret Thomas played the organ slowly and steady, making it almost cry with long drawn out wails of grief and sorrow, William Filmont stood quietly in the back of his funeral parlor with his head down and his hands folded in front of him. This was the easy part of his job. Being a firmly anchored rock of stability in such a grievous and emotional time. Every funeral was a race against the clock. So many decisions to make and not any extra time to make them. Planning a funeral was not anything a person could just say "give me a couple weeks and let me think about it". There were decisions such as the coffin, what the dearly deceased would wear, whether they would get a new, snazzy hair style or keep the one most people were used to seeing them with, religious type of service (if any), where the body would be interred and so on and so on. Add all these quick decisions on top of the grieving process and William really had a tough job. Whenever someone passed away suddenly, unexpected, the planning process did seem to go fairly easy. The family would be in shock for the first week or so, allowing them to get through the planning of the funeral in almost a hypnotic, drugged state, stunned by their recent loss. It was the one's that had been ill for a long time that things could get tricky. If there was more then one child then there would almost always be disagreements about things. Each sibling secretly thinking about what the parent would want, who they would want to speak, the songs played, which hymns would be sang. And no two siblings would ever have the same ideas. Bickering would lead to arguing. Harsh words would be said and if you weren't careful you would have a all out family fight on your hands. That's where William would step in and remind everyone that the recently deceased would hate to think of their children fighting and arguing with each other and how good of a idea it would be if they all agreed to compromise some and each one add their own special touch to the final ceremony. This speech seemed to work most of the time but that hadn't been the case for the funeral that was taking place right now. William had never had a family fight and argue as much as the Stevens family had. Bobby Stevens had passed away at home, sitting in his recliner, right in the middle of Thursday night wrestling. His wife Emma had been in the kitchen cleaning up from dinner when she yelled out to Bobby and asked him if he would come reach up and get something off the top shelf in their pantry. Bobby never answered. Emma hollered again, this time a little louder and slightly agitated. Still, no answer. "Darn you Bobby and that wrestling" Emma shouted as she went storming out to the living room to REALLY persuade Bobby to get up when she froze cold in her tracks. Bobby had his eyes open facing the TV but he weren't watching. Bobby wasn't watching anything. Not in this life anyway. Emma ran out to the kitchen and grabbed the phone off it's cradle and remembered that In Case of a Emergency refrigerator magnet and started calling all the numbers on it. 911, the fire department, the poison center, the national suicide prevention number. Then she started calling the kids. She called Bobby Jr first as he was the oldest. Then his younger brother Caleb. Then the girls. Sue Ellen first, then Jo Ann. Soon the house was swarming with people. Paramedics, the kids, neighbors who had seen the flashing ambulance lights and just had to come see what was going on. Soon the paramedics, in no hurry whatsoever, got Bobby Sr on a stretcher and carried him out to the ambulance, covering his head with a sheet, not sure why they did this but they always did it on TV and the movies so it seemed like the right thing to do. They got Bobby loaded in the ambulance and started making their way to the hospital. Earl, the one driving suggested they stop and get something to eat but his partner Johnny asked him if he thought Bobby's family would mind since they were FOLLOWING the ambulance that was carrying their husband and father. Earl rolled his eyes and said he had forgotten about them. Soon they arrived at the hospital and they got old Bobby unloaded and rolled him back to the morgue. The doctor on call went down to the lobby to meet with the family to explain to them that first thing in the morning they would do a quick autopsy to determine what took Bobby's life then the family could sign for the body and they would hand him over to them. The doctor recommended that they call William Filmont from the Filmont Family Funeral Home unless of course they had someone else in mind, and William or whoever could come over and take the body right from the morgue to the funeral home. "Of course it would be William that they would call, he was the only funeral director in town wasn't he?" Emma asked the doctor, her voice dripping with sarcasm. "Of course Miss Stevens" the doctor replied, wanting to add a little more but out of respect didn't.
The next morning Williams phone rang. It was Emma Stevens and she told William about Bobby passing on and would he go retrieve the body from the hospital. "But of course, I would be honored to" William replied. Emma went on to say that they had performed a autopsy last night and said Bobby had died of a massive heart attack. "They said he never even knew what hit him" Emma told William. "Watching two guys beat the tar outta each other one minute, the next minute it was lights out" she said. William said he was so sorry to hear that and he would go over as soon as he could get ready and pick Bobby up and if it was possible the family could meet this afternoon at the room of remembrance at the funeral home. Emma said she couldn't guarantee anything but she would try to have them all there say around 2ish? William said that would be great and he looked forward to seeing them all there.
William had gone to the hospital and signed for the family and brought Bobby over to his place to start preparing him for his entrance into eternity. Bobby laid on a cold steel table as William did his mortician thing. At 1:00 William started getting cleaned up so he would be ready for when the Stevens family arrived and they could make the final arraignments. William put on his plain white dress shirt and a very conservative black tie. He slipped into a pair of casual dress pants. William liked to stay right in the middle when he was meeting with grieving families. If they saw you as too dressed up they felt intimidated and on the flip side of that was dress too casual and the red flags of suspicion would be raised. Like he was someone trying to take advantage of people in their darkest hour. It was a fine line one had to walk. About quarter til 2:00 William heard car doors opening and closing and went to the front door. Sure enough, it was the Stevens family. Emma had rode with her two daughters and Bobby Jr was by himself. The only one missing was Caleb as far as William could tell. "Please, won't you all come in" William said to the family. They thanked William and went inside with him. Emma tells William they can get started without Caleb, it was hard for him to get off work sometimes and he wasn't sure what time he would be here. William tells them that's fine, "lets get started then" and leads them back to the room of remembrance. William asked if any of them would care for something to drink. Water, soda, tea or coffee? No one wants anything so Williams starts off by saying the first thing they need to discuss is the casket. What grade of casket? The eternal home casket, guaranteed to last forever? The rest easy one with a one hundred year warranty or the value choice casket, with a one year guarantee. One with a deluxe mattress or just a basic foam pad. This was when the arguing started. Bobby Jr says that he's been thinking about it and he doesn't want to see his daddy in no coffin. As a matter of fact, he thinks they should bring his dads recliner in and have the funeral with their dad sitting in the recliner looking out at the people in attendance like they were on TV and his daddy was watching his own funeral seeing as how much his dad liked sitting in that old recliner watching TV. And he was pretty sure he could rig up some kind of motor on the back that would slowly raise up and down under the chair to make it look like dad's rocking. William briefly thought, that's not a bad idea, very original, before snapping out of it. He said he didn't think that would go over very well with the people attending and that some people might find it down right morbid or unsettling. "Think about it from other peoples perspective" William told Bobby Jr. You go to the funeral of your good friend or relative and you walk in and he's sitting up in a recliner, rocking at that. Could you imagine the confusion that would cause? I doubt anyone would walk up to pay their respects to someone who's sitting up rocking in front of them. Bobby Jr says its a darn good idea and he's sticking by it. William adds also that he could look into it but he's pretty sure there's a ordinance against burying someone sitting in a La-Z-Boy. Emma speaks up and tells Bobby Jr that that's the dumbest and most asinine thing she has ever heard of and they all can rest assure her husband was going to have a proper burial. Emma tells William that they will go with the value choice casket. The cheaper one that only has the one year guarantee but after it's in the ground who knows if it's holding up or not. Emma said she sure wasn't going to dig poor Bobby up eight months after the funeral and make sure the top hadn't caved in yet. William assures Emma that she has made a good choice and she has chosen the model that about one third of his customers families had chose. The one's who had not planned ahead for this day or had no money left over after the estate was divided up amongst the debt holders. Emma also tells William NO mattress or pad for the very reason that Emma had been complaining about their twenty year old mattress on their bed and how it was killing her back and Bobby had been to cheap to buy them a new one so she was sure he wouldn't mind spending eternity laying on the hard bottom of the coffin. William told Emma there has to be something under the body to raise it up or he would be laying in the bottom of the casket and no one would be able to see him unless they were standing over top of him looking down. Emma says to not worry about it. She has a ton of old blankets and towels she can bring down and they can fill the bottom of it with that stuff. William sighs and says okay. Now, what about his suit. "What about it", asks Emma. William says the suit! "What you want him to wear to be buried in". There's a moment of silence as everyone thinks and Sue Ellen speaks up. "I think Daddy would want to be buried in his duck hunting cameo outfit that me and Brian got him last year for Christmas from the World of Duck Hunting catalog". Jo Ann looks at Sue Ellen and says "What makes you think Daddy would want to be buried in that hideous looking thing when everybody knows he treasured his Dale Jr racing jacket me and Andy bought him for his birthday". "Do you really want to think of daddy knocking on the pearly gates with a camouflage outfit on and blowing on a duck call? Do you think they would let him in looking like that?" Sue Ellen hissed back "I guess you think Gods a NASCAR fan then!" "I can almost assure you he and about the rest of the whole world thinks that's about the dumbest sport ever invented, plus Dale Jr stinks!" This is when Jo Ann slaps Sue Ellen straight across the face and Sue Ellen returned the favor. Soon both girls were hitting and slapping each other. William jumped up and quickly got between the two of them and managed to take a few blows himself before the girls stopped striking out at each other. "What ails you two?" William asked shockingly. "This is a funeral parlor, not a fight club. Emma cackles out in a dry, raspy voice, "Let em go at it! They been fighting ever since they were kids and I reckon they always will." " I will not tolerate fighting in this funeral home" William tells them. "We will get through this and I will separate you all if you force me to do that, understood?" William can't believe he's talking like this to customers but this was definitely a first. "Emma, doesn't Bobby have a nice dress coat we can put on him with a tie so he looks half way respectful?" asked William. "Yes, I suppose he does," Emma answered. Good William tells them. Bring it tomorrow so I can dress him in it when the time comes. Emma agrees to do that. "Now, what type of service do you want?" William asked. Emma says a short one if it's billed at a hourly rate. "No," William replied, starting to get agitated. "I mean what religion, if any, was Bobby and what type of speaker do you want to perform the ceremony?" "Bobby was Methodist so I guess we could ask Rev. Parker to perform the ceremony" Emma says. Good, William thought to himself, we are finally getting some where. Then they discussed whether they would like Hymns sang or music played. Bobby Jr suggested they sing Rock of Ages since his Dad always loved "The Rock" when he wrestled, before he left the sport to make stupid movies that no one watched. Sue Ellen suggested they had nature music play softly in the background since her daddy loved to hunt and be outside so much. Jo Ann of course thought that was dumb and said daddy would maybe have liked for her to sing a couple songs since he always told her she had a good singing voice when she was a little girl and that would make her go around the house singing show tunes and songs from the radio all the time. "Your father was lying" Emma told the girl. "Even when you signed up for chorus at school your father confessed to me he knew you couldn't carry a tune in a bucket, he was just trying to make you think you were good at something since you always got bad grades and didn't have any hobbies or anything". If you would like to try to raise your father from the dead by singing with that hideous voice of yours then by all means sing". Jo Ann turned to her mother, hurt and angry, all at the same time. William quickly interrupted, sensing another fight about to flare up. "We could ask Margaret Thomas to play the organ" William added. Margaret always was ready to play for a funeral. She felt she had a God giving talent to play the organ so she was always willing to play at someones funeral. Most people thought it was more along the lines of a curse from God then a gift but no one really said much. At least not to her. After all, she did see it as her civic duty and it wasn't like playing for someones funeral was the same as performing at Carnegie Hall. So the family agreed to compromise on the music and just ask Margaret to play. William said that she had a standard list of songs she would play and if they had any special requests then to just let her know. The three agreed that whatever she played would suit them just fine. Then for the next two hours they argued about every other decision that had to be made. Where they would bury Bobby. Daytime or nighttime service. What the tombstone would say. Hearst or the back of Bobby Jr's 4x4 truck. If and who would get up to say a few words. Flowers or pictures. Which side of his head would they part his hair. William felt like a referee. He would let them go at it for awhile then step in when things started getting heated and break things up. He thought about going and having a drink when all this was over and he didn't drink. Hadn't had one in twenty years but tonight just might be the night to get reacquainted with a bottle of scotch. Thankfully, they finally got through all the plans and details. They told William that he should be thankful that Caleb hadn't been there because he was the one who REALLY liked to argue his positions. Got it from his daddy. William made his best attempt to smile and said he was sorry he wasn't able to make it today(lie). Soon they all left and William went back to finish his work with Bobby Sr. As William looked down at him William couldn't help but to think that Bobby was REALLY at peace now.
ttery there. We went to the colonial part. Then we went for the day to Busch Gardens. This was a park I had never been to. I remember I was struck as we all entered by how pretty and well landscaped the place was. It was hilly and the walking paths were surrounded by trees and flowers. Old medieval music played and the employees were dressed as old English town folks. We all picked up maps and we were walking, talking about the different sections of the park and what everyone wanted to do when
suddenly we all stopped. And stared. Straight ahead of us was the meanest and scariest looking thing I had ever seen. It was a looping, entwined monster of steel and track. It was The Loch Ness Monster, the first inter looping coaster ever. It was terrifying just to look at! As one of the cars finally made it to the top of the seemly endless climb up to the top of the big hill, the people on board started screaming their heads off. And they continued to scream through out the entire ride. I got we
ak in the knees just watching. "Lets go!' shouted my oldest brother Greg and he and the older ones took of to ride. "I'll pass" I told my mom and the few others that didn't ride. Soon, Greg and the others came back, hooping and hollering. It was the best ride ever! They loved it! They gotta go again! Come on Ren, you'll love it! No, I was quite sure I wouldn't love it. I was pretty sure I would hate it. Now I think if my memory serves me right I was 14 at that time. I didn't like heights. I didn't like wild rides so I knew I wouldn't be riding that ride. As the day went on we enjoyed the rest of the park offerings when suddenly we ended back by where the Loch Ness was. "Why don't you and me ride that ride, just the two of us", my brother Greg says to me. "Nope, no way", was my reply. "Come on", he said. "No, don't want to", I quickly countered. This went on for a couple minutes back and forth when suddenly he grabs my arm and says "Come on, your riding it!" I tried to pull away but he sank his fingers deeper and harder into my non muscular 14 year old arm and started marching me to the ride entrance. I started panicking! "No, No, NO!!, I'm NOT riding it!!!" I told him. He just kept walking, squeezing my arm all the much harder. Well, unfortunately there wasn't a big line so we got up near the load area pretty quick. I was in a panic! Some other people had gotten in the line after us so they were right behind us now that we had come to a stand still so that kind of interfered with me screaming at the top of my lungs at my brother for trying to do what he was doing. I talked quietly to him. "Greg, I cannot ride this ride. I don't like roller coasters, do you understand?" Apparently he didn't because he refused to acknowledge me talking at all. I starting assessing my situation. I didn't want to appear too upset because the people in line behind me weren't that much older then me. I could make a break for it and jump over the rail and land below but I decided that might not be to good a idea since we were at least 50 maybe 60 feet above the ground. I would certainly break many bones AND probably be lucky to survive. Here I was. Trapped and about to ride one of the things that scared me more then anything in the world. I could only stare at my brother with smoldering anger. I WOULD get back at him for this I swore to myself, if it was the last thing I did. Soon it was our turn to board. As I walked up to that awaiting car I felt like a condemned man walking to the gallows. My legs had turned to jelly. My heart was racing at a all time record pace. I was sweating profusely. My mouth was cotton. I couldn't talk. I had no spittle in my mouth. I tried to curse my brother but all that came out was dry, raspy gasps. As I settled into the car one of the attendants walked by and slammed the big harness down over me, increasing the difficulty I was already having trying to breathe. I think I prayed "Dear Lord, just take me now!" Greg looked over at me and laughed. "Here we go," he shouted and I wanted to kill him. Probably would when we got home. Wait until he was least expecting it and drop the hammer down on him. THEN we would see who would be laughing! Finally the car started and we left the station. We curved around and there was the bottom of the drop hill right in front of us. As our car caught on the chain that would pull us to the top I started praying for forgiveness for all the wrong things I had done in much short life. This was it. This was how I was gonna die. Kid hyperventilates and dies going up the hill of the Loch Ness Monster roller coaster. Story at 11:00. Ten minutes later we were about half way up the hill. All I could hear was that wretched clanging of the chain pulling us up that blasted hill. I looked over and my brother looked like the devil himself. Head back, laughing non stop at me and my fear. Finally, the car leveled out. When I looked to the side and I saw we were above the trees, that's when I lost it. I clenched my eyes closed as tight as possible and curled into a ball the best I could. Soon we were racing down the hill, back up again and then racing through the loops. Hey I thought! I made it! I'm alive! It really wasn't that bad! And these loops are pretty cool! Soon, I had my head back laughing. I was riding a roller coaster! And I was liking it. Soon we came back into the station and came to a stop. "W
ell, how did you like it?" asked Greg. "It was great! Lets go again!", I answered. After that day I thanked my brother for making me get over that hurdle I might not never had attempted to get over if someone hadn't forced me to do it. Is that right to do that? I don't know if it is or isn't. But I do know this, every time I ride a coaster and I'm slowly going up that first hill I think of my brother Greg and that first ride on the Loch Ness Monster. And although it's pretty tame compared to the beasts that are out today I still love that ride and love to go to Busch Gardens to ride it. If you have never rode it or you have rode it and love it like I do then check out the youtube clip of it Ive added here.
