Announcements

I've always enjoyed reading a newspaper. I have always had a subscription to one until just recently. I let it expire and didn't renew it. Why? I've always felt that I must read each day's paper from front to back. If I didn't, then I felt guilty. I think that feeling could be traced back to my childhood where we were taught to waste not want not. Finish all your food on your plate. Don't throw this or that away, ya might need it some day. So when ever I didn't go completely through the day's paper I thought I might be missing something. Cheating myself some how. Sound weird? Probably but that was the way I would feel. I let my last subscription expire because now, as a single person, I just didn't have time to read it. Unread papers would pile up, the bigger the pile the guiltier I would feel. So I cut them out. I'll still pick one up every now and then and when I do I sit down and take in each page, each article in each section. I read the ads, I look at the comics, I check the movie listings and so on and so on. But in all my time reading newspapers the thing that really got me when I read them was the announcements that they would run usually once a week. It was usually in the Sunday edition and I always thought how announcing a major event into two or three sentences some how cheapened the whole thing. For example, you see the ad announcing that Steve and Carol Lecates welcomed home a baby girl that Carol had given birth too named Katie Lynn on Thursday night at 10:00pm. She weighed 7lbs and was 13 inches long. That's it. What they DON'T tell is that Steve and Carol had been trying for seven years to have a child and had problems conceiving a child. Steve had been checked out. He was in good working order. Carol should have been able to conceive but for some reason her body attacked the invaders when ever Steve placed them inside her, thinking that they were some high risk infection of some kind. They were even considering adopting one of those children from China or Korea or Haiti or even Russia if they had to. They had placed their name on several agencies here in the US but they were thinking they would be at retirement age when they got through the process here and become eligible. Right when they started to look at brochures of kids from those foreign countries the miracle happened. Carol got pregnant! They were ecstatic! They called their families, they called friends, they redid the den, turning it into a baby's room. Eight months and two weeks went by and one night Carol was in the kitchen rolling out a pastry dough for a beef wellington and she doubled over in pain. Screaming, in agony, crying with blood starting to run down her legs. Steve, in a panic called 911, briefly forgetting the number before coming to his senses. The dispatcher advised Steve to get her to the hospital STAT and the dispatcher would call the hospital and let them know they were on their way. The announcement left out the part about Steve almost killing them on the way to the hospital, weaving and dodging in and out of traffic, four ways flashing, horn blowing. Steve thought to himself, man I really had my mouth set on that beef wellington. Carol screaming, begging him to drive faster AND more careful or all three of them would be killed. Steve feeling guilty because he kept thinking that the cloth seats on his Toyota would be stained forever from the blood, a keepsake from this night. The ad didn't tell about them finally arriving and a team of nurses were there waiting for her and they got her on a bed and rushed her back to the ER and started working on her first to stop the bleeding and then to save the baby. They determined that the only chance to save the baby was to do a emergency c-section and they had to do it now! They worked on Carol and then BOOM, little Katie Lynn came into this world at 10:00pm (eastern standard time). Or the ad congratulating Brittney Adkins for graduating high school from her mom and dad who loved her very much. That ad leaves out the part about when Brittney was in the 10th grade and she loathed her parents and couldn't stand to be in the same room with them. It left out the part where she had ran away one night, leaving a note that she and Paul, the biker dude that Brittney had just declared her love for and her parents went crazy, forbidding her to ever see him again. Paul was a high school drop-out that came from a rough family that lived over on the "wrong" side of town. A family of trouble makers, rift-raft, lazy cretins who wouldn't work in a pie factory, abusers of the system. A bunch of real losers. Her parents were devastated as they read her note explaining that her and Paul were in love and they were going to go far, far away so they could live their lives together free of the parental prison that she was currently living in. They were so relived when the police brought Brittney back the next day. The police found them hitchhiking, abandoning Paul's 84 Dodge pick-up truck when it broke down (again) outside of town. It left out the part about Brittney's parents begging and pleading with her to please finish school and that inheritance they had put away for her could possible arrive a little early for her IF she graduated high school. Or how about those 50th wedding anniversary announcements where it shows the couple that's been together for so long that they forgot what life was before they were married. The one's where they actually start looking like they could be related, 1st or 2nd cousins perhaps. The names are standard names, Bill and Mildred Owens, celebrated 50 years of marriage with a party down at the church social building, thrown by their kids and close relatives. A party six months in the making. Their good friends Joe and Pat Kingsley invited them out to a fancy restaurant where they were going to treat them for their anniversary and they must dress formal for the place they were taking them. Then, coming up with a cockamamie story about needing to stop by the church real quick to show them something that the church had just purchased for the social building and they walked in and everybody screamed "Surprise!" when they walked in and Joe hits the light switch. Four people snapping pictures as soon as the lights came on, temporarily blinding them from the combination of total darkness to lights on with flashes flashing in their faces. When they regain their vision they see their kids, their grand kids, old friends, current friends, long ago forgotten friends tracked down and found through the miracle of the Internet. They shake hands, give hugs, thanking everyone for coming. There's a table with gifts on it. There's a refreshment table with a crystal punch bowl full of a red punch with pieces of fruit in it and a foam head on the surface of it. There's snack foods that the kids and close relatives worked on making for the last several days. Stories are retold. Old school friends not seen for thirty years are there. Bob and his third wife Ann flew all the way over from Washington state. They open their gifts. Then they turn the lights down and show a video one of the kids put together showing pictures of them through the years, set to sad, tear jerking music. Everyone is laughing and sniffling as they watch the past 50 years unfolding before them, condensed into a eight minute video. These are the parts NOT told in a classified ad announcement.

Friday Nite Video (Champaign-How Bout Us)

Hey all! It's Friday night and it's time for some campaign! I'm not talking about the bubbly champaign you drink. I'm talking about that R&B group from the 80's Champaign. Their big hit, the one I picked for tonight, is "How bout us". Remember that song? They released other one's after that but they never came close to the success of "How bout us". I remember back in the day when it came out (1981) our church had rented a bus to take a load of us kids to one of the nearby theme parks for the day. We did this once every year and this song had just come out this one particular year. My best bud growing up, Joel Wharton, would always bring his big box radio (remember those things?) Joel had this tape, that's what we had before DVDs for the younger readers, and he must have played this song a hundred times! He had some other tapes but this was definitely his favorite. Before that night was over I knew every word to that song. I could have been IN the group singing along. It was also amazing to me that these guys had such a smooth sound and four outta the six members were white! White folks getting down and groovy! I didn't know we had it in us! Anyway, from 1981, here's "How bout us". Enjoy!

Thanksgiving Poetry That Sucks

I'm like a pilgrim today,
Searching, looking for a new world.
Disenchanted with this one,
Unable to find a boat, a boat to sail away on.
I'm looking for a new world.

Why do they call it stuffing?
Is it because you feel stuffed when you eat to much of it?
Is it made out of stuff?
No thanks, I'll have some other stuff.
Is it still stuffing if it's not stuffed and cooked in the bird?
Then it would be called placing, like placed in a pan.

As we gather around our dinette set,
we inhale deep and sigh, reflecting.
We are thankful,
for stuff.
Happy that Dad is sober today,
Mom's not crying, yet.
Thankful that my older brother the bully,
finally got whupped by that little sixth grader,
he had been pushing around.
Thankful for the little things,
sis's pregnancy test being negative,
killer, our beloved pit bull,
not being put to sleep after mauling the neighbors kid.
We are also thankful that Uncle Jack is here today,
his prison sentence commuted for good behavior.
Today, we are thankful.

To much turkey
makes me feel murky.
String bean casserole,
filling my bowl.
Mashed potatoes,
and my waist grows.
Add extra gravy,
I know that sounds crazy.
I'm glad it's not me,
that has to get up at three.
AM that is,
And go fight all the crowds.
Rioting and fighting,
over at the Walmart.

Jimmy Buffet

I really like Jimmy Buffett. I like everything about him. His music, the image he puts out there. His songs mostly deal with laid back lifestyles, lived down in the keys or somewhere in Florida. His music makes you think of palm trees, white sand beaches, cold fruity libations, the ocean, warm summer breezes. It embraces everything that I love about living in Florida. And I'm not alone! Jimmy's concerts sell out in minutes, s soon as the tickets go on sale. He has a huge following of fans that have become known as "Parrotheads". His concerts are a big party with some of the most elaborate setups you can imagine. People come and set up the morning of the show and you see people in boats, people with mini beaches laid out, guys in Hawaiian shirts and women wearing grass skirts and a bra made outta coconuts. The first Buffet show I went to I was amazed at all the people in the parking lot and the outrageous costumes and setups. The show that night was the climax of a day of fun and just a all out good time. Well anyway, I was riding yesterday and Jimmy's big hit "Margaritaville" came on. That's the song that would probably be known as the anthem of Parrotheads and Jimmy's success. He's built a empire on that song, opening restaurants and selling themed stuff with the Margaritaville stamp on it. But I got to thinking, what if Jimmy was singing about somewhere other then Florida and the keys? Would he be as popular? Would his voice and music be strong enough to carry him as far along as the Florida theme has? What if Jimmy lived in somewhere like Montana and sang Montanaville instead and sang a chorus that included being "Wasted away again in Billings Montanaville". What if instead of the beach loving carefree guy he was instead he was a cattle rancher living in the snow and cold and his songs were about the prairies and mountains instead of the beach? What if he was from Idaho and instead of him singing "Son of a Son of a Sailor" it was "Son of a Son of a Potato Farmer"? Instead of the ParrotHeads, his fans were known as the PotatoHeads? Or how about if he hailed from Nebraska and instead of "Cheeseburger In Paradise" it was "Corn on the Cobb in Paradise"? I just don't think he would be as successful as he is today. Thank you Jimmy for choosing Florida. We and your fans love you for it!

Friday Nite Video (RFTW-Love You Down)

Hey all. Well, I missed last Friday night as I was battling a bad ear infection and just felt like crap so I thought I'd post tonight what was gonna be last weeks post. The last one I did I talked about the "Power Ballad". All those heavy metal bands of the 80's and early 90's and their one "love song". I thought it would be good to talk about another big genre of music from the 80's known as the "Slow Jam". The slow jams were usually played on the R&B stations at night, after 9:00 O'clock, on what were normally know as "The Quiet Storms" Man, they were brothers and sista's singing about love, lost loves, current loves and just love in general. Nothing was better then dimming the lights, turning on the quiet storm and snuggling up with that special one. The lyrics were sappy, dripping with ohhs and ahhs, moans and groans. They were all good. Rick James, Prince, Luther Vandross, Teena Maria. The list goes on and on. 9 times outta 10 they had a jeri curl but hey, they could still wail out a song. Who's my favorite? I always did and still do love Prince but he's still going strong and I wanted to pick somebody from that era who has passed on (Rick James or Luther) or faded into obscurity. That makes me think of one of my favorite groups from that time, Ready for the World. These guys got beat up by the critics pretty bad for being Prince rip-offs and they did try to copy his look at that time but man could they do a slow song. Maybe we can put some of the more popular performers on here in the weeks to come but tonight it's RFTW night. From 1986 its Ready for the World and their song Love You Down. Enjoy!

Personal Ads I would never respond too

Here's some of my favorites I've seen. No thanks!


SWF-43 years old, recently paroled, ready to start over fresh. After my ten year probation period my record will be expunged. Two older boys but they will not be a problem as they are both serving their own sentences will no chance of parole. Go to the Lake County Corrections website and put my inmate number, 17634981276554, in to see my picture.


SWDF-39, looking for a man to give me some loving and help me with my 6 kids. My husband ran off last year and ain't paid one cent of child support. Must love kids and be a patient man. Two of my kids have ADHD and Cindy, the youngest girl, was born with a cleft lip and has a feeding tube running into her stomach which must be changed and filled daily. Please, CALL ME!!

SWDF-41, manic depressive. Looking for someone to go through life's sorrows and despairs with. Enjoys crying, finding the negatives in everything, quiet evenings at home, EVERY night. Not much of a talker. Looking for a man to join me and we both try to get through life's trials and tribulations. Age and race not important. If the line's busy, call back. I'm probably talking with one of my friends at the National Suicide Prevention Hotline.

SWF-34, well built, dominatrix looking for a man that needs to be "whipped" back into shape. Must have a high tolerance for pain and enjoy wearing a dog collar and worshiping at my feet. Bonus points awarded for licking my leather boots while I get that backside into shape! Come experience all that life has to offer and call me, Madame Misty, today!

SWF 42-fuller figured country gal looking for a guy that can keep up with me. I like drinking, going mudding in my Chevy 4x4 truck, more drinking, honky tonks and hunting. Must be okay with a women that chews and likes getting a new tattoo every few months or so. I also like attending hog calling contests and calf roping competitions. Call me or go to CB channel 19 and ask for Country Karen.

MSWFS (Multiple, Single, White, Female Singles) Hi, today I'm Julie. Call me and you get all 8 of us. Tomorrow I might be Susan. Or I could be Sara. Sometimes Kathy pokes out but she stays inside most of the time because she is really shy. We are all very nice (but sometimes Debbie can be mean). Just imagine the thrill of waking up to a different person each day! Call us!

MLWF (Married, Lonely, White Female) 46 years young, married to a 340 pound construction worker who has lost all interest in me. I need a man to come over once or twice a week to "take care of my needs". Husband works till 5:00. You gotta be out of the house by 5:30. The last guy my husband caught here he didn't beat up to bad and the guy was up and walking in three days. Call me, I'm worth the risk!

Diary of a divorced guy.

Nov 17, 2010

Dear Diary,

Today started out like any other day. My alarm went off at 4:15. I hit the snooze button twice, giving me 14 extra minutes before I had to get up. I made my way to the kitchen to put on my coffee. I was excited! Yesterday I had bought a new can of coffee at the Walmart. Master Chef, a brand I was unfamiliar with but it was on a price roll back. 2.38 for a 2lb can! It stated on the label it made 48 pots of coffee. At twelve cups per pot that's 576 cups of coffee! Divide 576 cups into 2.38 and that's 0.00413 per cup. Or 1/4 a cent per cup. Certainly affordable enough. My regular brand "Folgers" is one of the many cutbacks I've been forced to make in a effort to reign in cost, trying to adjust to a one income household verses a two income one. Not a big savings but factored in with all the other changes it all adds up! Other things like lighting candles at night to save electricity, driving below 50mph to save on fuel costs, canceling cable TV and watching old re-runs of Hee-Haw and Gunsmoke on the Internet. It all adds up. As I wait for the coffee to brew I suddenly become aware that the front window shade, directly behind me, is partly open from last night. I realize I'm wearing the pair of underwear with the big rip in the back. The pair that exposes most of my left buttock cheek. My "comfortable" underwear. I had bought a new 5 pair pack a couple of years ago and I just didn't like them. Too tight and constrictive. Too supportive. I preferred my older, well worn, broken in pairs. Briefs but with the support of boxers with the well worn fabric up front. Heck, if you scratched yourself to hard up front there you could rip the fabric and poke your finger right through them. I really have to be careful with them. I ran over and shut the blinds. Soon my coffee was done brewing. I choose my favorite coffee mug, my White Star Travel Company mug given to me by my brother-in-law Nick. This mug was part of a ten dollar box of goodies I had received from him for Christmas about twelve years ago. Still my favorite mug! (That's NOT the White Star Company that owned the Titanic FYI) As I pour my first cup I noticed this coffee seemed to be a little thicker, a little darker, it seemed to have a heavier consistency then most coffees. I added my normal dose of milk and the blackness didn't change. I added some more and the color did seem to lighten a little. I slowly took a sip and grimaced at the taste. My bowels immediately sensed something was wrong, like a foreign substance was trying to invade. It's taste was a mixture of burnt wood ashes and warm urine from a old, disease ridden horse about a week away from the glue factory. I swore I could feel my facial stubble growing. I added more milk. Nothing happened. This was a coffee so strong and black that puny, light skinned African Americans would be jealous. I bit the bullet and quickly finished that cup of joe, looking forward to brewing that 48th pot of it. As the caffeine started to kick in I began to think of the upcoming day. Work of course, 6;30 to 3;00. Maybe today I would stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a nice steak, do a cheese au gratin potato casserole, steam some fresh broccoli. After dinner I could finally start that exercise regimen that included walked around the neighborhood two times (2.3 miles), then swimming 7 or 8 laps around the Olympic sized swimming pool. Maybe I would go door to door at my apartment complex knocking and introducing myself and offering to be of any assistance I could be for whatever? Maybe I would start writing that book of poetry I had been putting together in my head. I'm happy and whistling as I shave and shower, preparing for work. I pack my lunch before I leave (remember, save money). Ham and cheese sandwich, chips, a orange, my "dessert", a chocolate Little Debbie cupcake. Work went well. We had a new girl working with us no one had ever seen before. Everyone wondered, is she nice? Single? Full-time, Part-time? Not bad looking but certainly no beauty pageant winner. Miss Congeniality maybe, but no top three winner. Near the end of the day someone said they heard her talking about her husband and four kids. Oh well, so much for that. I left work and on the way home I decide against the steak dinner. I remembered that the pizza place down the road is running that special One large, two topping pizza for ten bucks. Ten dollars and it's done. No preparing, cooking or cleaning up afterward. After I get home and have a few slices I then decide to postpone the exercise program. I'll try to start that tomorrow after a more healthy dinner. I also think it's probably too late to start going around knocking on the neighbors doors and introducing myself. Who goes around knocking on peoples doors at dinner time these days? Jehovah Witnesses? People with bad intentions? Someone with pictures of starving animals in some third world country wanting a donation so they could purchase half a bowl of food scraps to ease the poor animals suffering. People might think I'm half loopy doing something like that at this hour. I checked my email. Just the regular spam ones that seem to come everyday. Invitations to get in on class action lawsuits against the asbestos companies (do they still exist?). Work at home offers that promise to pay 5,000.00 a month part-time. Offers for cheaper car insurance then what I'm paying for now. The latest hot electronic gadgets for a third of their normal price. Cheap diplomas I can receive by taking just one one hour class on-line a week. Hot and horny single women living within a five mile radius of me, willing to do anything to be with a man. Any man. I deleted them all and checked the GoldenYears.com website. Tonight they were going to show a two hour blooper special on that old game show Match Game. That Charles Nelson Reilly was quite the ham! Anyway, it's getting late. I'd better hit the sack now. Tomorrows another day.

Friday Nite Video (Skid Row-I Remember You)

Hey ya all. It's Friday Night. Speaking of Friday Night, does anyone remember the show Friday Night Videos? It came on late at night on, of course, Friday Night. It was a half or hour long show and they would show new release videos and some current one's that had been out for while. I believe this was before MTV but I could be wrong. We never had cable at the house so I'm not sure if it was before or after. Anyway, this week has to do with the 80's metal "power ballad". Every big hair band in the 80's and early 90's had one. You had bands such as Poison, Motley Crue, Twisted Sister, Guns N Roses and about hundred more and they all had two things in common. BIG hair and a "love song". The metal ballad as it was called. I think these softer side songs can be traced all the way back to one of my favorite bands (see my first old school post) Kiss. With Kiss, here were these fire breathing, blood spewing monsters of Rock performing with explosions and pyrotechnics all around them, then the lights would grow dim and Peter Criss would perform Beth. People were confused. It didn't make sense. It was hard to understand. You mean these guys actually feel emotions like everyone else does? Peter Criss pouring his heart out, lamenting the fact he's out with the boys and his girl is home alone. It was and still is a great song. If I'm in the car riding and Beth comes on all conversation must cease! I take off my imaginary hat (I don't wear one) and I get teary eyed as Peter sings. Fast forward to the 80's and look at all those metal bands that were so popular back then. They all copied Kiss and put out their "Love song". These bands would have concerts and the fans were out of control. All during the show fans were ripping chairs up and beating other concert goers over the heads with them. People would rush the stage to get as close as possible and every now and then some unfortunate person would get trampled and killed. Drunken fans would fight. Women were groped. But when the band started performing their "Love Ballad" suddenly all the rioting and fighting ceased. Fans that had been going at it would take pause and everyone placed a arm around the person next to them while holding a lighter up in the air with the free hand. Suddenly, enemies became friends. People became humans again. The "Power Ballad" was being performed. Which one is my favorite? Besides Beth, the all time classic, I gotta go with a song a little later after that one. If I have to pick just one to post on here it would have to be Skid Rows I Remember You. Skid Row was one of many big hair bands from the 80's. This song was from their first self titled album, Skid Row. From 1989, I Remember You. Enjoy!

cell phones

Anyone that knows me well has been aware of my on going battle with Verizon. The short version for those of you that don't is this. I have been due a upgrade for about a month now with Verizon, my cell phone provider. Now the phone that I have been using is a old flip-phone I had two or three contracts ago. That is because I gave the phone that I had to my daughter Emily after her's fell apart due to texting and heavy usage. I called Verizon and begged them to allow me to upgrade early but their answer was no. So, I was faced with either buying her a new phone at full retail price (wasn't happening) or give her my old clamshell (flip-phone) or give her my current phone and I use the old flip-phone. I weighed the choice's and I just couldn't bring myself to say "Here's your new phone Em until we can upgrade you in six months" and give her the clamshell. She would have been taunted in school. Teased everytime she had to pull it out. Ashamed to use it in public. Her friends would be texting on full qwerty keypads and Emily would have been tapping out T9. As a parent you don't want to think of your kids being at a disadvantage and being "behind" their peers. My other choice, give her mine and I use the flip-phone. Now let me tell ya friends, that was a struggle! I loved my phone. Everything about it. It was my friend, my companion. I didn't leave the house without it. It was always in my hand or within close reach. It did everything and I loved it. There was NO way I could part with my friend!! But then the image of Emily on the playground at school trying to text a friend with my old flip-phone would pop in my head. Emily struggling to tap out a basic message and all the other kids laughing and pointing at her while Emily's face flushed with embarrasment. As her father I just could not allow myself to subject my girl to that so I did what any father (I think) would have done. I gave her my Samsung Rogue. I was sick! I was losing my friend. As I boxed it up to send to her I think I cried. My hands were shaking! I was in total dismay and shock. My phone had become like a drug and I was giving it up cold turkey. Needless to say, Emily was VERY happy. She had always loved my phone and wanted one just like it. Now she was getting it! She did feel bad about taking it and didn't want to at first. She said "Dad, I can't take your phone, you love your phone". I swallowed the lump in my throat and said "Thanks Em, but it's yours". So I got the flip-phone that should not have been in my closet stored away but instead on display somewhere in a early cell phone exhibit. My face was the one flushing with shame whenever I pulled it out to make a call or tap out a T9 text. Friends at work laughed at me, teased me about it, some felt sorry for me and tried to give me older but not THAT old phones they had (Thanks Mike :). I was back to the basics. Anyway, back to the point I'm at today. I became eligible to upgrade my phone a few weeks back and I was looking at the Verizon website oogling and drooling over the newest phones they offered. But looking at the phones, I noticed that all they nicer phones REQUIRED the customer to purchase a data plan with the cheapest one offered at 9.99. I called and spoke to a company rep and they said that was the new Verizon policy now. Any "smartphone" required that you buy a data plan to go along with it. Well, the Whaley temper flew into me and I let that girl have it. I told her exactly what I thought of that decision and my days with Verizon were over! I calmed down some after we hung up and did some research. She was correct, that was indeed Verizon's new policy. I emailed corporate, I called back and spoke with other customer service reps. But that was the new policy and I could only complain. I looked at other companies and Verizon was the only one that had coverage up where my kids are so I was stuck. But something funny had happened during the months I had been using my old phone. Once I had gotten over the shock and pain of losing my phone that did it all I discovered that I didn't really NEED a phone that did it all. My old phone did exactly what a phone should do. Great reception, didn't drop calls and other then taking a little while longer to text, it did that okay too. I'll admit, I'm the first one drooling when the new phones come out that "do everything". I went to a Verizon store a couple of weeks ago and was getting the sales pitch for the new Droid X. As I held it I started getting that old feeling back, kinda like reuniting with a old flame. I gotta say, it's a nice phone but do I really NEED a phone that does all that? No, I don't. Using my old flipper got me to thinking back before I had a cell phone. Man I cursed those things. I cursed people that used them out in public. I would tailgate and blow the horn at someone driving in front of me that was talking on one. I swore I would never have one and I held out for along time. I remember when I got my first one my kids were in shock. Dad has a cell phone! Can you believe that? I had rallied so against them and then I joined the ranks of the cell phone owners. I'm the guy now riding down the road talking or texting. Well, anyway, I finally ordered my new one yesterday from the Verizon website. It was free with a two year upgrade. No bells or whistles but it does what it's suppose to do I guess. And whats better, no data plan!! And who knows, maybe after this one I can quit completely.